Category Archives: Reviews

“Tonight You’re Mine” proves that handcuffs will get you chicks

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Have you ever been reluctantly handcuffed to someone just long enough to develop an intimate connection? No? You should try it sometime, especially if you’re going to be at a big European music festival where you’ll end up being forced to eat, drink, sleep and go to the loo together after dancing to your favorite bands and falling down in the mud.

Adam (Luke Treadway) and Morello (Natalia Tena) try to find the key to their predicament in "Tonight You're Mine." (Photo by Brian Sweeney)

That’s pretty much the premise of Tonight You’re Mine, an indie film set at Scotland’s T in the Park music festival. As the singer for The Make, an indie synth rock duo that is playing one of the festival’s main stages, Adam (Luke Treadway) is the subject of much adoration. From female fans to political activist filmmakers, everyone seems to want some of Adam’s attention. The Dirty Pinks, on the other hand, are an up-and-coming all girl punk band playing one of the festival’s smaller tents.

The dirtiest of the Pinks is front woman Morello (Natalia Tena), who looks for the wrong kind of attention from Adam when she starts some behind-the-scenes shit only to have a security guy handcuff them together in hopes that they can work out their differences. To Adam and Morello, it seems funny until the security guy races away on his golf cart and they realize they’re stuck with each other for a while. For the rest of us, their inability to coexist even when attached at the wrist is what makes the film entertaining.

For the next day or so, Adam and Morello are literally inseparable. And Morello’s defiantly humorous bad attitude does little to entertain Adam’s supermodel girlfriend (Ruta Gedmintas) or Morello’s dweeby banker boyfriend (Alastair Mackenzie). As this situation forces certain things to fall apart in other aspects of their lives, their physical bond develops into an emotional one that makes them realize it was only a matter of time before things deteriorated between them and their significant others anyway (though being handcuffed to an attractive stranger probably wasn’t the way either of them planned on breaking the bad news). And while Adam and Morello’s relationship is developing organically (well, as organically as you can expect considering their contrived situation), their bandmates and friends are desperately trying to find the kind of connection that Adam and Morello have been inadvertently forced to find. Maybe if they just had some handcuffs, they could find the love they’re looking for.

Handcuffs really bring Adam (Luke Treadway) and Morello (Natalia Tena) together in "Tonight You're Mine." (Photo by Brian Sweeney)

Watching two people who don’t initially like each other convincingly and gradually fall for one another  is usually a bit sappy. But because of the setting and circumstances involved here, it’s actually pretty fun to watch. And needless to say, the awkwardness of being literally inseparable makes for some uncomfortably comical situations that are likely to either bring two people closer together or make them want to run rapidly in the opposite direction as soon as the cuffs are off. But with a title like Tonight You’re Mine, you can probably guess what happens after Adam and Morello find the key.

Tonight You’re Mine. Directed by David Mackenzie. Starring Luke Treadway and Natalia Tena. Rated R. www.tonightyouremine.com

“Battleship” doesn’t sink despite summer sci-fi clichés

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If you’ve been rolling your eyes each time you’ve seen a trailer for Battleship, you’re definitely not alone. And given the fact that it looks like a thinly-veiled sequel to the Transformers franchise with little (if any) relation to the board game on which it is supposedly based, you have good reason to have low expectations for what is obviously just another big, dumb summer action movie.

The most obvious problem with Battleship is the aliens. I mean, since when does a board game about a naval battle have anything to do with an alien invasion involving robotic balls that saw their way through anything in their paths? Well, it doesn’t. But once you get past the fact that the only apparent connection between this movie and the game is the naval battle, Battleship is actually a lot better than you might expect.

I don't remember these things from the board game

After receiving a signal sent from Earth seven years earlier, creatures from a distant planet very similar to our own make their way to Hawaii, where the message originated. Conveniently enough, they decide to show up during RIMPAC, an Olympics-like gathering of American and Asian military forces that includes various naval competitions. Good thing there’s such a strong concentration of military power there to greet these alien visitors because it just wouldn’t have been very interesting if the aliens had been allowed to go about taking over the world unopposed.

When his older brother (Alexander Skarsgård) bails him out of one blunder after another, Alex Hopper (John Carter‘s Taylor Kitsch) joins the Navy around the same time the signal that eventually summons the aliens is sent into space. By the time RIMPAC rolls around, Hopper is a lieutenant on the verge of being kicked out of the Navy for being just as irresponsible as ever, especially after getting into a scuffle with a rival Japanese sailor (Tadanobu Asano). Oh, and he’s trying to work up the nerve to ask the Admiral that hates him (Liam Neeson) if he can marry his daughter (swimsuit model Brooklyn Decker), a physical therapist for disabled veterans.

Alex Hopper (Taylor Kitsch) gets his final warning from Admiral Shane (Liam Neeson) in "Battleship"

This is about the time that the aliens crash into the ocean and set up shop with a force field-emitting obelisk in the middle of the water. While most of the battleships, destroyers and aircraft carriers remain outside the force field, A few ships get caught inside the dome of energy. Can you guess which seaman is among those trapped inside the bubble with the aliens? That’s right, Hopper’s ship is one of a few that basically become humanity’s last hope against this mysterious force.

When things get really ugly for the Earthlings, Hopper is finally motivated to stop being a slacker and save his planet. After all, what better way to prove that you deserve not to be kicked out of the Navy than by saving the world from aliens? And these aliens have some pretty cool technology, though I’m not quite clear on why their ships can’t seem to navigate across or under the water (or fly through the air) and instead have to awkwardly hop around on the ocean’s surface. And from the looks of things, these aliens buy their ships from Cybertron and their spacesuits from Predators.  But aside from these technological similarities, Battleship is more than a Transformers ripoff. In fact, the gallant display of Hopper and his fellow humans is more reminiscent of 1996’s Independence Day, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

These alien invaders prove to be the motivating factor Hopper (Taylor Kitsch) has been needing

Despite the obvious superiority of these extraterrestrial visitors, they do have vulnerabilities that the humans gradually begin to discover. And much like the Rebels and Ewoks did at the Battle of Endor in Return of the Jedi, the humans begin to attack the weak spots from various fronts to make a big comeback. But every time it seems that the humans just might prevail, the aliens reveal yet another morale-crippling surprise. When all hope seems lost, Hopper finds one more (very implausible) solution that’s crazy enough that it just might work. (Cue up the obligatory AC/DC song to rally the remaining troops.)

Battleship is a formulaic summer sci-fi adventure, so it is naturally a bit far-fetched on many occasions. But it deserves a little more credit than it’s likely to get, thanks to some witty dialogue (I’m pretty sure I even caught a brief reference to Clue, another board game-turned-movie, though I’m not certain it was intentional), enjoyable action sequences and self-aware comic relief. And even when you’re required to suspend your disbelief a little more than usual, there’s still some effort to explain why things happen the way they do (no matter how unlikely those explanations might be), which is more than can be said of a lot of movies of this ilk. Plus, the filmmakers do actually find a way to reference the strategic play of the original board game, which is really pretty clever and integral to the outcome of the battle. This movie certainly isn’t anything more than what it’s trying to be, but that doesn’t mean you should sink this Battleship without seeing it first.

Battleship. Directed by Peter Berg. Starring Taylor Kitsch, Alexander Skarsgård, Rihanna, Brooklyn Decker, Tadanobu Asano and Liam Neeson. Rated PG-13. www.battleshipmovie.com.

“The Dictator” once again brings Cohen’s satirical supremacy to theaters

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Much like Andy Kaufman before him, Sacha Baron Cohen has mastered the art of creating believably comical characters and remaining in gimmick for public appearances for further comedic confusion. With Ali G, Borat and Brüno, he has elevated ethnic stereotypes, scatology and other generally offensive subjects to levels so discomforting that the only way to respond is by laughing.

Sacha Baron Cohen as Admiral General Aladeen in "The Dictator"

While Da Ali G Show, Borat and Brüno were presented as faux reality shows and mockumentaries, with unsuspecting celebrities, politicians and civilians involuntarily becoming the brunt of the jokes, Cohen’s latest movie The Dictator (in theaters May 16) does not pretend to be anything more than a funny work of fiction. But that doesn’t mean the political satire and overall absurdity are any less hilarious or profane. Co-written by Cohen, The Dictator features Cohen as Admiral General Aladeen, the bumbling dictator of the North African Republic of Wadiya. The Dictator chronicles Aladeen’s inadvertent rise to power as a child up to his current tyrannical reign, which allows him such luxuries as paying American celebrities for sex and having people executed for things such as building a nuclear bomb with a rounded tip instead of a pointy one.

When Aladeen is summoned to New York for United Nations peace talks, the culture clash that you’ve either come to love or hate about Cohen’s characters reaches its breaking point. After being abducted and having his beard removed by a bigoted Secret Serviceman (John C. Reilly), Aladeen escapes to find that his right-hand man (Ben Kingsley) has replaced him with an even more incompetent lookalike, with plans of bringing democracy to Wadiya. When a feminist activist named Zoey (Anna Faris) mistakes Aladeen for a fellow protestor to his own mysogynistic regime, she offers him a job at her ailing organic grocery store. Ironically, it’s his fascist ways that turns things around for the store.

Zoey (Anna Faris) and Admiral General Aladeen (Sacha Baron Cohen) in "The Dictator"

Though his intent is to find a way back into the UN to expose his imposter and prevent the fall of his totalitarian rule, Aladeen finds himself succumbing to his secret desire to have a real relationship with a woman. And Faris’ outspokenness eventually impresses him, mostly because she reminds him a lot of himself, oddly enough. But as is the case with Cohen’s other films, the beginning and end aren’t nearly as entertaining as what happens in between. And such is the case with The Dictator, which includes scenes where Aladeen and his cohort (Jason Mantzoukas) frighten American tourists on a helicopter ride by speaking in their native tongue about a Porsche 911 and another where Aladeen loses his cell phone while helping a woman give birth.

The great thing about The Dictator (as well as Cohen’s other movies) is that the the seemingly sophomoric humor is not gratuitous. The fact that the humor is very much based in reality and that there is clearly a heavy dose of societal and political satire at work here (especially in Aladeen’s speech towards the end of the film) is what makes Cohen’s comedy resonate on many levels. And even though The Dictator doesn’t rely on Cohen’s usual tactic of humorously exposing the faults of real people, it’s still just as insightfully funny as anything he’s done previously.

The Dictator. Directed by Larry Charles. Starring Sacha Baron Cohen, Anna Faris, Ben Kingsley and Jason Mantzoukas. Rated R. www.republicofwadiya.com. 

Tim Burton pays tribute to ’70s supernatural soap opera “Dark Shadows”

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Anyone who’s ever seen the late ’60s/early ’70s gothic TV show Dark Shadows knows that it transcended the trappings of other soap operas by focusing on ghosts, monsters and a vampire named Barnabas Collins. But that doesn’t mean it was devoid of the melodrama and who’s-screwing-whom scandals that are synonymous with soap operas. And with an aesthetic sense similar to that of the British Hammer Films releases, Dark Shadows was hokey and enchanting, which was really a big part of the appeal for the cult following it garnered.

Barnabas Collins (Johnny Depp) returns in "Dark Shadows" (photo by Peter Mountain)

All that being said, Tim Burton seems like the perfect person to resurrect Collins and his cohorts for a new generation in much the same way he revamped Ed Wood, Batman, Sleepy Hollow, Alice in Wonderland and other stories. And with Burton-favorite Johnny Depp filling in the fangs and pasty pallor of Barnabas, all the pieces appeared to be in place. Until we saw the trailers, which heavily implied that the dramatic theatrics had been buried by slapstick goofiness.

Thankfully, that is not the case with Burton and Depp’s new Dark Shadows movie. Though there is some Beetlejuice-like comedy, Burton’s film maintains the gothic feel of the original series with a touch of the whimsy that has made many of his films so magical. And for those who feel like Burton lost his touch after Ed Wood or Mars Attacks!, Dark Shadows could be the kooky comeback many of his fans have been awaiting for more than a decade.

When Depp’s version of Barnabas is accidentally awakened by Collinswood construction workers in 1972, he immediately returns to Collinwood Manor, the mansion his family built upon their arrival in the New World in the 1700s. But a lot has changed in the 200 years that Barnabas has been napping, and he doesn’t quite know what to make of things like the illuminated golden arches of a McDonald’s sign or the paved roads now leading him back home. And upon his return to his now-ailing manor, the dysfunctional descendents don’t quite know what to make of Barnabas, with his outdated fashion sense and ages-old colloquialisms.

Every soap opera needs a big secret or few, and it doesn’t take long for the scheming Elizabeth Collins Stoddard (Michelle Pfeiffer, who always makes a dramatic entrance from the top of a staircase) to make Barnabas agree to keep his blood-sucking ways from the rest of the family long enough for him to return the Collins name to prominence. It turns out that while he was away, Angelique Bouchard (Eva Green) – the heartbroken witch who turned Barnabas into a vampire – has usurped the Collins family’s fishing business and created her own empire in this small Maine town.

Angelique Bouchard (Eva Green) is a scorned witch in "Dark Shadows" (photo courtesy of Warner Bros. Pictures)

Barnabas’ plot to get the family business back on track is interrupted by pill-popping in-house therapist Dr. Julia Hoffman (Helena Bonham Carter), who takes full advantage of doctor-patient confidentiality, Elizabeth’s rebellious teenage daughter Carolyn Stoddard (Chloë Grace Moretz) and the arrival of wide-eyed Victoria Winters (Bella Heathcote), a haunted young woman who bears a striking resemblance to Barnabas’ long-lost lover. Burton injects a lot of groovy ’70s humor, but otherwise sticks to the cheesy supernatural soap opera formula as everyone looks to carry out their own agendas while Barnabas and Angelique one up each other.

Burton always likes to give a nod to his influences, which he does here with a cameo by Hammer legend Christopher Lee and by having Alice Cooper perform at the Collins fundraising ball (to the confusion of Barnabas, who thinks Cooper is the ugliest woman he’s ever seen). And in one of the best uses of a song in a movie, Cooper’s “Ballad Of Dwight Fry” serves to further the story in an appropriately emotional way as the various subplots reach their climax.

Once the final nail is hammered into Dark Shadows‘ proverbial coffin, it has a little bit of everything to please Burton fans and followers of the original series. It’s cheesy, comical, dark, sappy, scandalous and supernatural without every overdoing any particular aspect and without diverting too much from the feel of the old show. It’s also everything people have come to love about Burton’s work, so hopefully the naysayers who were disappointed with his interpretations of Planet of the Apes, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and Sweeney Todd will be open-minded enough to give him another chance.

Dark Shadows. Directed by Tim Burton. Starring Johnny Depp, Michelle Pfeiffer, Eva Green, Helena Bonham Carter and Bella Heathcote. Rated PG-13. www.darkshadowsmovie.warnerbros.com.

“The Avengers” assemble for stellar superhero team-up

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After years of solo stories, post-credit appearances by Samuel L. Jackson and enough speculation to fuel a comic con’s worth of nerdgasms, The Avengers have finally assembled for a 3-D spectacle that brings together some of Marvel‘s greatest heroes in ways they’ve never been seen before. And the fact that this ensemble of superheroes is directed by Joss Whedon only amps the geekdom up that much more.

Captain America (Chris Evans) prepares to suit up in "The Avengers." Photo by Zade Rosenthal

With the pieces all put in place over the past few years with The Incredible Hulk, both Iron Man movies, Thor and Captain America: The First Avenger, not much backstory is needed for The Avengers. Which leaves Whedon with the task of introducing the characters to each other and explaining how and why they have all come together. In steps Loki (Tom Hiddleston), the nemesis of Thor (Chris Hemsworth), to steal the powerful Tesseract, an extraterrestrial power source in the possession of S.H.I.E.L.D., the government agency directed by Nick Fury (Jackson), which forces Fury to launch the abandoned Avengers Initiative.

Realizing the fate of the entire planet is at stake, Tony Stark (Robert Downey, Jr.), Captain America (Chris Evans), Dr. Bruce Banner (this time played by Mark Ruffalo instead of Edward Norton) and Black Widow (Scarlett Johansson) agree to work together (reluctantly in most cases) in order to save the planet. Thor randomly shows up in a flash of lightning after they capture Loki, which leads to one of the film’s first big battle scenes as Iron Man, Captain America and Thor duke it out until they all realize their powers would be put to better use if they were combined rather than used against each other.

Iron Man (Robert Downey, Jr.) and Captain America (Chris Evans) join forces in "The Avengers"

With Hawkeye (Jeremy Renner) and Erik Selvig (Stellan Skarsgård) under Loki’s control (not to mention that Loki is Thor’s adopted brother), the individual Avengers also have personal investments in this battle, which only adds to the suspense. Even though the story of a disagreeable group of heroes preventing the world from being taken over by alien forces is nothing new, Whedon is quite used to making otherwise tired concepts interesting again (remember what he did for vampires years before the Twilight craze and, more recently, for horror with The Cabin in the Woods?). And The Avengers has Whedon written all over it (quite literally, considering that he also co-wrote the script) with distinct egos, conflict amongst the team members and incredibly witty dialogue (he seems to have particular fun with the Captain’s wholesome anachronism, which makes sense considering Whedon’s best known for his clever stories about centuries-old vampires).

That being said, The Avengers also has a couple of the continuity flaws typical of most of Whedon’s previous works. For instance, it’s not clearly explained how Thor shows up, which is pretty important considering that the last time we saw him he was stuck on Asgard after the space bridge to Earth was destroyed. Nor is it explained why Banner’s Hulk goes from being an uncontrollable monster to being able to harness that rage (just when they need him the most, no less). But given the inevitability of additional sequels to all these movies, these are things that could easily be explained in subsequent Marvel Studios releases.

Hulk (Mark Ruffalo) smash in "The Avengers"

Until then, we’ll just have to be content with these heroes putting their differences aside long enough to stop the monsters attacking New York City through the portal Loki has opened from atop Stark’s skyscraper. Between the outstanding 3-D visuals (see it in IMAX if you can), the attention-grabbing dialogue, Alan Silvestri‘s bombastic score and just enough character development to keep the audience engaged, The Avengers is the big superhero team-up film comic book geeks and action movie fans alike have been waiting years to see. Now if only they can figure out a way to work Spider-Man into the next one (a post-credit scene proves there will be a next one, and another post-post-credit scene is added for an extra laugh), the universe will truly be a better place.

The Avengers. Directed by Joss Whedon. Starring Robert Downey Jr., Chris Evans, Mark Ruffalo, Chris Hemsworth, Scarlett Johansson, Jeremy Renner, Tom Hiddleston and Samuel L. Jackson. Rated PG-13. www.marvel.com/avengers_movie/.

“Lockout” features futuristic visual appeal without a lot of character

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As a director, French filmmaker Luc Besson has been responsible for contemporary action and sci-fi classics like Léon: The Professional and The Fifth Element. As a producer, he’s given us the Transporter series and Taken, movies that are as visually attractive as his earlier works, but focus more on stylish action than plot and character development. Lockout, a futuristic action movie co-written by Besson and directors James Mather and Stephen St. Leger, falls into the latter category, with hardly any attempt to create characters that are at all interesting.

Snow (Guy Pearce) is a gun-toting badass in "Lockout"

Set in the not-too-distant future, Lockout stars Guy Pearce as Snow, a government agent who has been mistakenly convicted for the death of another agent. Despite his innocence, the evidence is stacked against him and it looks as if there is no way out for him. That is until the president’s daughter (Maggie Grace) ends up trapped on a space prison where hundreds of hardened killers, rapists and other vagrants have been awakend from their pods. Snow (played with a mix of Mark Wahlberg’s bravado and Johnny Depp’s swagger, with a hint of Bruce Willis’ badass attitude) is offered one opportunity to redeem himself by going into the space station, rescuing the president’s daughter and returning her unharmed. It’s clearly a daunting task, but since Snow is such a badass with nothing to lose (and actually has something to gain if he can track down one particular inmate), of course he’s up for the challenge.

From there Lockout becomes one sci-fi derivation after another, which is all a lot of fun to watch, but not all that stimulating otherwise. Matrix-like chasm of slumbering bodies? Check. Prisoners waking up from cryo sleep a la Demolition Man? Check. Strong female character forced to standup to overwhelmingly testosterone-y odds in very Alien-like settings? You got it. And Although Snow proves to be a noble antihero and his female antagonist-turned-sidekick is also a surprisingly spry fighter, they end up relying on enough convenient coincidences that it starts to feel almost as bad as Armageddon (especially in a scene where they basically skydive from outer space, safely re-entering Earth’s atmosphere only to parachute to the surface, landing with less impact than they’d have had from jumping off a bunk bed).

"Let's skydive into the Earth's atmosphere!"

Don’t get me wrong, there are certainly much worse movies out there, especially in the sci-fi/action genre. But I guess even with his more recent productions, Besson has still been able to apply his touch even if it’s not as overt as when he has more control as a director. But this time it hardly feels like he was involved very much, even though Lockout is based on a concept he came up with and, like most of his other films, was at least partially written by him. And even with the legitimate acting skills Pearce brings to the movie, it still almost feels like a Syfy original or straight-to-DVD release. Let’s just hope the tagline for his next movie is “from the director of The Fifth Element” instead of “from the producers of Taken.”

Lockout. Directed by James Mather and Stephen St. Leger. Starring Guy Pearce and Maggie Grace. Rated PG-13. www.lockoutfilm.com.

“The Three Stooges” sticks to the slap-happy humor of the original show

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It’s hard to believe it’s been almost a century since The Three Stooges began inflicting their farcical physical comedy on America via episodic short films and other avenues. For some, the idea of Hollywood even considering trying to recreate that vaudeville vulgarity is like a

Moe (Chris Diamantopoulos) puts his pals Curly (Will Sasso, left) and Larry (Sean Hayes) in line.

proverbial slap in the face (or poke to the eye or kick to the groin, replete with cartoonish sound effects). But if there’s anyone who could possibly recreate the Stooges brand of slapstick for today’s viewing audience while maintaining the ideals that made it funny the first time around, it’s the directing duo of the Farrelly brothers, who were clearly inspired by a similar aesthetic when making movies such as There’s Something About Mary, Dumb and Dumber and Kingpin.

In The Three Stooges: The Movie, Moe, Larry and Curly are back (played by Chris Diamantopoulos, Will & Grace‘s Sean Hayes and MADtv‘s Will Sasso, respectively), this time as three orphans who arrive unceremoniously via a tossed duffle bag. Even as kids, the trio (looking like smaller versions of the childlike adults they will become) is oblivious to the mayhem that follows them around the orphanage, giving Sister Mary-Mengele (played with appropriate absurdity by Curb Your Enthusiasm‘s Larry David) fits. Since no one wants to adopt these three dim-witted rascals, Moe, Larry and Curly find themselves still causing chaos at the orphanage well into adulthood.

Anxious to see the Stooges (Sean Hayes, Chris Diamantopoulos, Will Sasso) go, Sister Rosemary (Jennifer Hudson) leads a joyful farewell sing-a-long.

When news comes that the orphanage will soon be shut down, the Stooges vow to come up with the money to save it. With an encouraging song from Sister Rosemary (David Otunga‘s baby mama Jennifer Hudson) to send them off, the Stooges are dragged (quite literally) into the real world, fitting in about as well as Will Ferrell’s Buddy did in Elf. It doesn’t take them long to clumsily stumble into Lydia (a bosomy Sofía Vergara) whose plot to off her rich husband unwittingly becomes the Stooges plan to quickly come up with the money to save the orphanage. Through a series of slapstick mishaps, the Stooges find themselves causing comedic chaos in a hospital nursery, woob woob woob-ing their way into upscale parties and even joining the cast of Jersey Shore (where Moe becomes a star for using his sarcasm and violent ways on Snooki and The Situation).

Though there’s no explanation as to why the Stooges look and sound like they are from the time period of the original trio, it really doesn’t matter since it just adds to the overall absurdity. In a world where sledgehammers to the face and lobsters in your pants are funny instead of fatal, the anachronism of the characters serves to further retain the nostalgia of the original show. I just wonder, assuming there will be a sequel, if we’ll ever see Shemp join in the mayhem.

The Three Stooges: The Movie. Directed by Peter & Bobby Farrelly. Starring Sean Hayes, Will Sasso and Chris Diamantopoulos. Rated PG. www.threestooges.com.